An Empty Seat, A Full Heart

Last week, Mom and I chased a beautiful sunset.
Driving through the hinterlands, we watched it silently, listening to the whispering breeze.
The front seat of the car was empty.
We missed your talks, laughs, and occasional singing.
And just like that, Mother spoke about her trips with you.
She talked about the tales I had heard before.
You were there, and so were we in them.

 The dichotomy of life

Today, Dad and we traveled together for the last time.
Resting in the urn, we held him lovingly, lost in our thoughts.
He was finally going back to his favorite place, never to return.

Today, we felt his presence and his absence at the same time.                                                     

The year that was

And just like that, a year has passed.
The embers of pain and anger refuse to die.
The regret of taking a leap of faith.
The pain of falling flat on my face.

In the quiet night by the window,
as I feel the winter breeze,
I wonder—must I learn
this game of pettiness and deceit?

I wake up to one more dull morning,
surrounded by scheming minds.
I will fight to save my soul,
for this is not the game I want to play.

I will stand my ground; let them try to break me.
I will claw my way up the slithering walls,
but I will not become one of them.

Sifar

I was at the office pantry on the fag-end of the building to pick some high-calorie snack. A portly guy in his navy blue/black shirt and jeans was sipping tea in the lounge. That was probably one of my memories of Neeraj. We worked in different teams and conversed occasionally whenever he visited my team’s bay. There was this dreamy look about him as if his face would break into a smile anytime. Blame it on my enthusiastic curiosity, I thought he was in love for having that kind of happy look on him.

Facebook had clearly overtaken Orkut by then and almost everyone I knew in the company was on Facebook. We moved on to join different companies but stayed in touch on the social network. Over the years, we liked each other pictures, commented on each other’s statuses and eventually, even they became few and far between. 

Unlike me, many of my friends decided to live their passion. They left their promising careers and became entrepreneurs, creative artists and pursued higher studies in various disciplines. Some moved countries while others left bustling cities to settle in peaceful towns. I watched all of them with awe and longed to come out of my hibernation. Neeraj decided to go on a path too but his was not the beaten path.    

He was no longer the portly guy I remember from the bygone days. He shrivelled

up real nice, flooding his FB page with his cycling expeditions and the cool selfies. Once again, I looked at the lone elliptical in the drawing hall, standing quietly and humiliated for being used for drying clothes. I wondered what if only it could speak; it probably would’ve used every cuss word for the treatment meted out to it.

Well, I convinced myself with the stupid excuse that Neeraj fell into the trap of the in-thing. Like many of my friends, he joined the marathon runners. One more runner on the block, which means more pics on FB. He embraced a healthy life. No, I haven’t given up on myself yet. I will join them too. Don’t ask me when.

And then one day, I remember reading a cryptic status update. Something like giving up everything that defined him till that day, to embark on a journey of service of a different kind. He joined an organization that required his complete dedication. Unable to hold my curiosity any longer, I called him. By then he had already given up the corporate job and slipped into his new way life. It had been seven months since he drew his last salary. He lives in a shared dormitory. His meals are taken care of by the community members. So, basically, even he doesn’t know where he will get his next luncheon invitation from!

Still couldn’t comprehend what I heard and I remember asking him, “What about your parents?”

“I did everything that was possible as a son. Ensured they are well taken care of.” Laughingly he said, “they don’t need my help…..Look, it’s my journey. It would be difficult for any parent but they understood and now they have accepted.”

“What if you regret this decision later,” I asked, still not convinced with his transformation.

“I didn’t take this decision in the heat of the moment. I was preparing myself for this change for quite some time,” he said.

“I turned towards a simpler life like stopped using a car, walked and cycled; gave up everything that felt like a necessity but was a luxury. I’m not denying that life is tough but I will get used it.”

“So, does this tough life frustrate you,” I asked.

“Yes, I feel frustrated, not because life is tough but unable to make headways with the work I am doing right now. I have been working with teenage children from an under-developed area. My job is not to let them stray…it’s tough, don’t know how to break the ice with them.”

“Why this change all of a sudden? I thought you would also be one of those guys who would put up mushy pictures of spouse and kids and quote them with sugary captions, renew marriage vows and pledge to protect your children till your last breath…ahem….on the social media.”

I didn’t hide my disdain for the family dramas that unfold every day on my social media pages.

He laughed. “Well, I thought of that life but things didn’t fall in place.”

“So this is the outcome of a broken-hearted finding solace or distraction?” I asked (I swear, I can be a good interrogator!).

“Arey, no! that was a long time back. This is my life now and there’s no going back,” he reiterated.

I still think of that what he said before we said our goodbyes. “Just like others, I used to complain about the broken system, corruption and what not. I used to vent out during tea break chats or on social media. I realized this momentary anger was a mere waste of energy unless I did my bit to bring about a change.”

It is not easy to break the vicious cycle of existence. One need/accomplishment pushes for the next one, one want leads to the other, one obligation leads to the other. The game which felt simple at the beginning entangles us with more challenges, the high of achievements and the insecurity of losing them all. The sleepless nights, the meticulous planning, the risks taken should be safeguarded now. How many of us are prepared to start afresh from zero? How many of us can find contentment in not owning anything? Probably none or dare I say a few.

Still wondering why I called my blog post Sifar? What is Sifar? It means zero in Urdu.

A love lost

When I decided to relocate to Hyderabad last August, I was looking forward to going back to the city that taught me so much though, in a harsh way. But I guess, it was needed for me to come into my own, a realization that came as hindsight. Most of my Hyderabad memories are occupied with the gruelling hours at a demanding job, the utter sense of loneliness as I searched for a familiar face in the crowd, and a lack of comforting hug when I was down and out. Often, I questioned myself if I needed this misery when I had the choice to go back and live an easy life. But, I stuck on.

This city gave me a taste of flavours of friendship and betrayal; never knew disloyalty would teach me to love thyself. Its conservative construct was suffocating and annoying. When I was hunting for a rented house, I answered some ridiculous questions from the house owners. They asked me about my caste, why did I choose a profession that had weird timings and how could my parents send me to a city where I did not have any relatives! I never understood these people. The days passed by and I made friends, all of them non-Hyderabadis though that was never the plan. I guess, our comradery was strengthened over our failed attempts to adapt to the ways of the city.

Twelve years back when I was leaving the city, I was sad because even though I still felt like a stranger, I was content in my tiny world and the people in it. The feeling of starting all over again felt heavy. I was eager to return after my three-month stint in Bangalore. But little did I know that I would be sucked into that vibrant milieu within a week. I was re-introduced to the feeling of belonging to a place after Khurda Road, a small town where I grew up.

It's been six months since I returned to Hyderabad, but still, the unsettling feeling doesn’t leave me. This city has changed so much that I don’t recognize it any more. The broad roads, tall buildings, numerous shopping malls and companies. Yes, the city has changed, cosmetically. However, people are still the same. The house owners still feel it’s their prerogative to barge into your personal life by asking questions with no relevance. The crassness of people irrespective of their exposure to corporate culture, their ignoble idea of being funny is to crack a personal joke, their judgmental nature of people (read women) influenced by the misogynistic outlook, amaze me. But, I met some nice people too. These days when goodness is a virtue that is fast disappearing, these are like the fresh breath of air and so much needed on a tough day.

Every place has a personality made by the people who live in it. I don’t get Hyderabad’s personality. Or perhaps, I have moved on, my preferences have changed. Or, maybe the only way I can explain this is when you visit your relatives, some treat you well and some give you a cold shoulder. Hyderabad, for me, is the latter kind of relative.

Whiskey and Her

Shruti and Amrita sat in silence at latter’s balcony that faced a line of silver oak trees. The night was drenched in the silvery moon rays. The gentle breeze carried the fragrance of season’s first roses that were in full bloom, while the dwarfed hibiscus plant stood like an admonished child at one corner of the balcony. The ice had almost melted in their whiskey glasses diluting the gold tinged drink; the tranquillity of the hour was enhanced by the raspy voice of Qurat-ul-ain Balouch crooning about an anguished heart.

The friends were on their third drink. “Do you feel the buzz yet,” asked Shruti. Amrita, who seemed to be lost in the song, said, “No.” Shruti smiled and said, “good” and after a pause added, “my Urdu improved listening to the songs you suggested. Thanks to Google.”

“Oh, I love Coke Studio, Pakistan; those guys make amazing music and by the way, you should thank me for improving your Urdu. Remember all the questions you asked?” Amrita replied, rolling her eyes.

What started as a carpool arrangement to office grew into friendship. The two women have known each other for close to a decade now. Life and professional commitments took them into different directions but they stayed in touch, witnessed each other’s highs and lows.

“It feels good to be back at your house, it’s warm…comforting,” said Shruti with a distant look.

“Are you sure it’s not the whiskey?” teased Amrita.

It was Shruti’s first visit to India after getting married to Satish Srinivasan, a known radiologist in the US. Let down by their first marriages, both Shruti and Satish wanted to give life a second chance and found each other. Initially Shruti was wobbly, unsure if it was a good idea to walk on the treacherous path again. A cheating ex-husband had left her shattered, filled her with self-doubt. When she decided to marry Gary Mathews a decade ago, her Iyengar family was rattled. Neither emotional blackmails nor angry outbursts from her parents failed to change her mind. Though grew up in a strict patriarchal environment, Shruti retained her free-spiritedness. The relationship with her father, Madhav Narayan, was caught between the crossfires of orthodox beliefs and rebellion. The father-daughter duo played this duel throughout Shruti’s growing up days; sometimes she won and sometimes her father. By the time, she was an adult, her father was only meant to meet her financial needs and she longed to break the final shackle too. She did it by finding herself a job in Bangalore and eventually deciding to marry Gary, the love of her life with whom she was eager to bring up a child with a happy childhood.

The day she walked down the aisle with Gary, her parents alienated her. Just when she thought she found happiness in her husband and a beautiful daughter, her rebellion against her parents fell flat. She was no longer Gary’s love interest; he started cheating on her with his ex. Burdened by humiliation and betrayal Shruti endured Gary’s philandering ways until one day she mustered enough courage to call it quits.  Gary and his parents were caught off guard; they never thought she could take the bold step. Unable to bear the insult that his wife had decided to walk out on him, he blurted, “What can I expect from a person who didn’t hesitate to leave her parents for getting married. It’s nothing new for you to walk out of a relation!” If that wasn’t enough to make Shruti realize the blunder she made in choosing a wrong person, his parents drove the final nail in the coffin. They felt betrayed. “How could you do this to us? Have we not taken care of you and your daughter well? Fine, Gary has found another woman but we treated you like our daughter. Gave a roof over your head and took care of your daughter when you went to work,” Shruti’s mom-in-law asked.

“I’ll always be grateful for what you did for my daughter and me but tell me, would you’ve given the same advice if it was your daughter Becky?” asked Shruti.

That was the last conversation the two women had.

It took a year for Shruti to steer her life back to normalcy. Things improved between parents and her. The age had mellowed Madhav Narayan. Even the middle-aged Shruti had matured enough to understand life from a different perspective.  

Still in search of her happily ever after and also as a social experiment, Shruti created a profile on a matrimonial website. She wanted to find out what kind of men would respond to a divorcee who was at the threshold of 40. And yeah, she was contacted by all kinds of men. Nevertheless, Satish was different. Born and brought up in the US, a doctor by profession and a rock music junkie disguised by his calm demeanour made him even more endearing. Father of two girls, he was back to being single four years back. When he contacted her online, Shruti was hesitant at the beginning.  Her life had finally hit the calmer sea after a choppy ride. Tired of meeting weirdos, Satish refused to give up on her easily. He was instantly attracted to her honesty and maturity. Within no time, the two started exchanging long emails on regular basis unravelling themselves. They took their time to know each other and Shruti didn’t realize when the charming doctor swept her off her feet. Love was in the air. Satish spent a fortnight with Shruti’s parents in India so that they could know him, their future son-in-law. Shruti travelled to the US to spend time with him and met his parents. There was a bounce in Shruti’s feet again. Their marriage was solemnised after few months with elders’ blessings this time. Shruti and her daughter, Joanna moved to the US to build their world again.

Looking at Shruti’s empty glass, Amrita said, “Why don’t you fill up your glass?”

“I was waiting for you.” Amrita waved her hand and said sheepishly, “Don’t wait for me. Let Mr. Glenfiddich work on you.”

Shruti filled her glass and decided against adding any ice. Toying with her wedding band she said, “From Shruti Narayan to Mathews to Srinivasan.”

Amrita raising a toast for her, replied, “That’s one hell of a journey and you seem to have covered a lot of ground!” Shruti acknowledged with a nod and raised her glass.

“Tell me about your Las Vegas wedding and honeymoon cruise to Mexico.”

Shruti still looking at her wedding band said, “It was okay.”

Since evening Amrita noticed that, Shruti was lost in her world of thoughts. She waited for Shruti to open up. She sensed that Shruti was resisting as if waiting for her to take the lead.

“What’s bothering you? What happened to that excited bride I spoke to a few months back?”

“I don’t know, Amrita. I feel like history is repeating itself!”

Both went silent.

In the background, Farida Khanum, in her mesmerizing voice, was pleading her beloved not to leave. Her agony seemed to have filled the vacuum, suddenly created by the night.

“Why do you say that?” asked Amrita, breaking the silence.

“I read his text messages he sent to his ex-wife. It’s not that he is drawn to her but longs to be with his daughters. So he is testing the waters with his ex if there’s a chance of getting back with her.”

“What! Is he serious?” Amrita didn’t bother to hide her shock and anger anymore. She went on with her rant, “He is thinking of reuniting after divorcing her four years back! What was he doing all this while? Does it all look like a child’s play to him? Does he realize that you have uprooted yourself and, Joan’s life and moved with bag and baggage just because he assured you of a lifetime commitment?”

Shruti was silent, sipping her drink as her eyes brimmed with tears.

“Did you talk to him?”

“What do you think?” replied Shruti curtly. “In fact I asked him to get the girls with us if that’s possible.”

“And?”

Shruti raised her shoulders and hands in dismissal.  “I wonder if I did the mistake of getting married again,” her voice quivered. “Apparently after seeing my equation with Joan, he started missing his daughters!”

Shruti started laughing, almost uncontrollably.

“What’s so funny?” Asked an irritated Amrita.

“I’m laughing at the irony of my life. It’s not the other woman who is a threat to my marriage but two young girls!” She went on dramatically, “My bridal henna hands haven’t gone dry yet and I’m already fighting to save my marriage.”

Amrita couldn’t stay angry anymore watching her friend’s histrionics.

“Listen, I am not going to tell anything clichéd but let me remind you of a situation you were in, a few years back. Remember the time when you were in Miami for your higher studies and your cousin lost all your money in business. With no money to pay for your rent and food let alone your tuition fee, you survived on pittance for weeks. You didn’t give up then when you were left helpless and penniless on a foreign land with no backup. According to me, that moment was when your life hit a rock bottom and the only way out was to move up. You did that and how!”

Looking at Shruti, Amrita continued, “Often I wondered how you keep on going, not giving up. If you can deal with a mess like that, what you have now is nothing. Give your marriage some time; you’ll know what to do.”

Shruti resting her head on Amrita’s shoulder, slurred, “Mr. Glen is working just fine…you know what’s good about light-headedness?”

“What?”

“It makes big problems small,” Shruti replied, her eyes closed and head still rested on Amrita’s shoulders. “…..I have to deal with this situation, don’t I?” She asked.

“Yes…..you have no option,” replied Amrita.

Shruti started humming along with Farida Khanum, though fallen far off tune. In contrast to her name, her singing skills were worse than that of an amateur.

“Have I ever told you that you should stop singing even in the privacy of your home? You may end up spoiling the mood.”

“Yeah many times,” said Shruti smilingly and started singing loudly.

The friends broke into hysterical laugh drowning the voice of one of the revered singers.

…and Sambi Reddy became rich!

“Happy birthday, pataka!” I screamed into the phone.

I heard Dave’s hearty, unabashed laugh and he said, “Only you can come up with such words.”

He has an infectious laugh, similar to those who make us feel hungry instantly just by the way they eat. And that’s not all. He is an amazing storyteller and knows how to add humor like a seasoned cook who adds just about enough spices to get that zing on your tongue.

Just when I thought our phone conversation was drifting towards the boring “what else?” kind of brain-freeze talk and my whining about my financial obligations and how to wriggle out of it, he told me about Sambi Reddy’s story.

Sambi Reddy was a simple, quiet guy who enjoyed his anonymous status in the gang. The sorts who would hang out with the gang in the college canteens, enjoy his chai and samosa and listen to the talks without much to contribute. Belonging to the mighty Middle Class of this country who are plagued with herd mentality, he too joined MBA in a local college in Guntur. You know, the kind of college where one is sure to get a seat if the entire world turns you down?

The friends scattered owing to their “higher studies” but they made it a point to meet at least once a year. Again, while everyone had some funny anecdote to add (mostly exaggeration), Sambi Reddy listened over his cup of tea and samosa. After all, what fun can one expect in a small town other than watching a first day first show.

Two years went by like that. Friends met again after the studies. Most of them got placements and looked excited, at least they pretended to be. But Sambi Reddy was yet to figure out what next.

At the next reunion at the same tea stall at the street corner….

A smartly dressed Sambi Reddy got down from his new car, waved at his friends while busy talking over the phone. There was an awkward silence among the friends. But Sambi Reddy, still the simple boy but no longer quiet, embraced his friends. “How did this happen?” Asked one of the friends, unable to believe the transformation his friend went through.

Sambi Reddy’s father bought three acres of land in the interior of Guntur some light years away at a very low price as that’s all he could afford. With the new capital coming up in Andhra Pradesh, Sambi Reddy, the only son is now worth Rs 15 crores, if not more. Sambi Reddy sold one acre, set up his business and has built a good network of who’s who in the area.

No, the money has not messed up his brain. He is still the simple, down to earth guy who hangs out with his college friends.

If somebody asked me if I wished a fairy tale ending to my life. Hell yes! I want the Sambi Reddy kind of fairy tale…no, not some rich guy coming in his shiny car. I want to be the Sambi Reddy of my story. .

A house overlooking the vast blue ocean with waves singing the same song again and again.  I will continue to dream about my “happily ever after”.